2003-03-05 - 11:11 p.m.

Waiting for the Magic...

Have you ever just had the feeling that something was so right, even though there was no logical explanation for it? Like you are just compelled to do something through nothing more than a weird feeling? Where there is no actual basis in fact for you to think someone you just met could be really special in your life, other than you just know?

I've felt like that before, a long time ago... Of course it didn't work out in the long run, but that does not negate how amazing it was at the time... And how much I really enjoyed the feeling, just going with it, not thinking about it, not analyzing, not worrying about all that could go wrong or the reasons why it might not work...

Most of the time, when I am with someone (and I say that like it is not the rare occurrence that it is), it is a process of getting to know them... To me, a lot of chemistry comes from the brain, I have to find someone intelligent and interesting before I can remotely find them sexy... There's got to be something going on upstairs before anything can go on below...

That said, occasionally there are those instances where you see someone or talk to someone, and you just know... Mysterious and magical, electrifying... The kind of thing you only hear about, the kind of thing you long for with all your heart... And it is so hard to know if the other person feels it too, you can't just ask because it is so impossible to even fully explain to yourself... And if you try to explain, you ending up sounding like a total nutcase, especially if they are not feeling the same way or don't trust feelings...

That is the kind of week I am having... I randomly met someone completely engrossing and had the most amazing sense of hope and wonder, like I immediately wanted to invite them over to sit in the swing all night with a big pot of coffee and have long conversations about everything in the world and share ice cream right out of the container... It makes no sense, no logic, I can't explain it, I just had the feeling that this person could be important in my life, in whatever capacity... I've had this feeling before and usually I trust it... Not that is always turns out correct, but I believe in trusting myself... And now, as quickly as they came, it's suddenly different and distant... I'm finding that quite difficult... Having known them only a very short time, it should not bother me like it is, and I know that they have their own life which is understandably very busy... But like the original feeling, I can't seem to help the disappointment, there is a void...

I hope this is not the case... If so, at the very least, I learned a lot about myself from the interaction... Most notably, that feelings like that are what I want, what I deserve... They don't have to make sense, they don't have to be explained, they just are... I have been doing a lot more settling lately that I like to admit... In relationships, in my job, in everything... And that magic is truly what will make me happy, and I need to follow those feelings...

There's a lot lacking in the boys I have been dealing with... Not that they are not all wonderful in their own way... But somehow they just fall short of the entire package, none are completely what I need in the long run... And none, have that magic... Mostly that no magic thing... One might have at one point had circumstances been different, but no longer really... I deserve MUCH better than the Sociopathic Semi-Gay Ex-Priest... He could never be what I need or want... I'm still worried about what he may try, but there is nothing he can do to make things right... Too much has happened, he did the one thing he knew I could not tolerate and then did it repeatedly... I could never trust him... The Pill is sweet but not what I need overall and while the flirting is fun, I can't see myself really with him... Same with the Wanna-Be Porn-King of Scottsdale... He hurt me so badly before, I can't wait for him to get his act together... They have great qualities all of them, but bottom line, none of them are THE one and NOBODY is worth putting up with the crap...

And the job thing, well I have not been happy with that for a while now... Part of that is the miserable environment (and nothing is worth what I have been putting up with), but part of it is that it is just so hard to enjoy what I do when I am philosophically opposed to most of our clients... Where is the joy in helping a big evil oil company triumph in court over a little guy who got sick? From large corporations suing each other over their own stupidity? I know that is the basis of our legal system, but somehow I can't help but think there is something more out there jobwise for me too...

I firmly believe that things happen for a reason and that when you make the right decision, doors will open... I've felt that with the soap business and hopefully it will manifest itself in other areas of my life...

Yeah, I may be cynical at times, but really I am a dreamer at heart... If nothing else though, I have at least felt a renewed sense that the magic is indeed out there and that I have done the right thing by holding out for it...